Depeche Mail 101: Asher Perlman takes on Olive Garden
- George Jesse
- May 5
- 2 min read
Updated: May 6
NEW YORK—Determined to outmaneuver impending Trump-era parmesan tariffs, Late Show writer and New Yorker cartoonist Asher Perlman has reportedly infiltrated an Olive Garden, exploiting their “say when” cheese policy in what experts are calling “the most ambitious dairy heist of our time.”
Witnesses say Asher Perlman arrived under the guise of a man simply “enjoying endless breadsticks” but quickly escalated the situation when a waiter approached with a parmesan grater.
“He didn’t blink. He didn’t break eye contact. He just nodded and whispered, ‘Keep going,’” said one diner. “At first, I thought it was a test of endurance. Then I realized—this man had a plan.”
The parmesan pile grew exponentially, overtaking his plate, his table, and eventually spilling onto the floor...he didn't budge. Servers, obligated by corporate policy, continued grating while Perlman gently reassured them that he would indeed “say when.”
Despite Olive Garden’s emergency protocol for excessive cheese requests, legal loopholes prevented intervention. “It’s unprecedented,” said one manager. “We tried to stop him, but per company guidelines, if the guest hasn’t technically said when, we are bound by honor to keep going.”
Stephen Colbert, who reportedly had money riding on whether Perlman would tap out before the sixth block, released a statement calling it “the greatest act of resistance against dairy inflation this nation has ever seen.”
Perlman is no stranger to pushing boundaries, having previously toured with Jordan Klepper, testing audiences' ability to withstand rapid-fire political satire. Experts say his Olive Garden stunt is just the latest in a career-long commitment to seeing how far he can stretch reality without getting escorted out of the building.
As of press time, Asher Perlman was last seen attempting to smuggle the parmesan mountain past TSA, claiming it was “just an emotional support dairy product.”
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